1) I am sitting with the psychotic drunken freaks group at school. When did that happen?
2) Channel Seven controls my life. They have cancelled Lost for two weeks and I am ready to die.
Top 10 Highlights of the Australian Bicentennial (as written by David Letterman)
10. Unveiling of world's largest beer can pyramid
9. Prime Minister opens bottle of beer with eye
8. Colossal 500-pound shrimp lowered onto custom-rigged volcano barbie
7. Poet laureate manipulates beer belly to look like kangaroo pouch
6. Live national telecast of drunken Qantas koala set loose in convenience store
5. Postage stamp issued honoring "Now that's a knife" scene in "Crocidile Dundee"
4. Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing "Waltzing Matilda"
3. Schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer
2. Nuclear missiles fired at Antarctica as climax of outdoor beer-a-thon
1. Bee Gees released naked in Outback; hunted for sport
Okay, I don't resent it, as such. My main problem with it is hey, guys, that's not actually funny. It should have been relatively easy to come up with amusing Aussies-and-their-beer jibes. That I don't mind. But this? I am overcome with the lame. Fucking postie.
Actually I think I've had too many tiny teddies. The sugar has taken over my brain.